Somebody to Lean On
Hello! I feel like it has been forever since I’ve written a new post, and it actually kind of has – since I’ve been M.I.A. from this corner of the internet, I’ve run another half marathon, I’ve been happily rowing again, and I’ve been trucking away at my honors thesis project. So basically, it’s been a busy start to my second-to-last semester.
Today, however, I have a slight unexpected break from the chaos as I’m sitting in the airport in Washington D.C. waiting for my plane to Toronto. I’m heading up to Canada for a couple days for my great grandma’s funeral, and as I have some quiet right now at Ronald Reagan National Airport [which is kind of wildly nice, by the way], I thought writing a blog post would be a good way to spend that time! So, here goes.
My current trip has been making me think a lot about the support systems that we establish in our lives and how these networks of family, friends, and others function to bolster our mental health. I’m not an anthropologist [although a quick Google search tells me I’m right about this!], but I believe that humans are social beings, and most of us, at least, thrive when we have strong social connections in our lives. I suppose basically what I’m about to do is write a shout-out of sorts to all of my amazing family and friends who are constantly supporting me and lifting me up, and hopefully I am doing the same.
Like I said, I am very, very lucky to have such a strong network of close friends at school and family at home. But throughout my life, I have definitely had some “friends” who didn’t actually fit that descriptor. I want to write about today the importance of a supportive community, but also about the necessity of that community being a reciprocal one – what I mean to say is, get rid of those people in your life who don’t hold up their end of the bargain. Let me just quickly imbue you with some trite mantras: life is short! We only have so much time on this earth! These things are true, and we shouldn’t waste that time giving emotional and/or mental energy to people who don’t give it back.
To be clear, I’m not going on a rant here about any specific person or persons in my life. I am incredibly grateful, today and every day, for my friends and family right now, but I have not always had such strong connections. So then what am I talking about when I suggest that we distance ourselves from people who aren’t contributing equally to our relationships? Think of the friend who always texts you with her problems but never has time for yours. Think of the classmate who wants to rant to you about his family drama, but doesn’t respond when you reach out to talk about your own struggles. It’s about quality over quantity when it comes to friends.
I often discuss this idea with my mom – as someone with eight children in our awesome blended family, who also has hobbies and interests of her own, she is often pressed for time. She says that as she’s gotten older and busier, she’s pared down her circle of friends to only include those relationships that are reciprocal and worthwhile. When there’s so many things to do in life, there’s no time to give to people who aren’t giving you time or energy back. Now, I’m not a mother of eight [or any, for that matter], and I definitely have free time in my schedule [although often this gets repurposed into Netflix time], but I try to practice this same philosophy in my relationships. It’s easy, though, being young and having what seems like a surplus of time on occasion, to get stuck in a self-sacrificing cycle of bearing the brunt of keeping a friendship alive.
I do not use the word “self-sacrificing” in a positive sense. That’s a whole other conversation – the problematic glorification of self-sacrificing practices, and the denigration of selfishness, which absolutely not categorically bad. These concepts definitely apply here – it is more than acceptable to choose to distance yourself from a friendship because it’s not benefitting you at all. No, that is not selfish. That is understanding how to prioritize your time and energy. And you aren’t obligated to be the sole active supporter in any friendship. I hear this all the time from people who are exhausted by putting tons of energy and time into supporting someone else and getting nothing in return: “well, I’m just trying to be nice.”
This might be a hot take, but I feel that being “nice” is often overrated. When I die one day, if all people have to say is “she was nice” – well, that would just be disappointing. Yes, support the people around you, but don’t be taken advantage of in terms of not receiving the same degree of support back. Be nice, but don’t be nice-and-nothing-else. Be someone who stands up for themself and their needs. But also, when someone gives you support and care, recognize that they deserve that in return. I find that these terms of equality and reciprocity define the friendships that last in the long term.
Often, the best way to support the people around you is to make time for them. I know that sometimes that’s much easier said than done. We all have busy schedules, but devoting time to being social and catching up with your friends is so important. I go to a college where there is a pretty well-recognized stress culture, and individuals tend to boast about things like pulling an all-nighter or spending ten hours in the library or reading a whole book in just! one! day! I would like to see these stress-related brags morph into pride of another kind. Instead of praising ourselves for staying up until three in the morning to cram for a test, let’s praise ourselves for having made one hour of social time today, or taking some time to relax. These are the kinds of things we should be bragging about.
One way to integrate this kind of social time is to combine it with other activities. For instance, meals – it’s such an easy one! You have to eat anyway, so why not make lunchtime into a friend date and keep up to date on the lives of those around you. I also try to do this with running. I have a bunch of pals on campus that I often run with, and by running with a friend instead of alone, I get to catch up with these friends and have great talks that [added bonus] make the run feel so much faster! Running has really strengthened some of my relationships in the past year, and most recently, I was able to run a half marathon with my mom this past weekend, and it was an amazing experience that I hope to get to repeat someday!
In some ways, I think this time with my mom was especially meaningful because of my Nana’s recent passing. My great grandma considered herself the matriarch of our family, and family was so important to her. Now I’m headed to Canada for her funeral, but over the weekend, my mom and I were able to devote quality time to our relationship – and I think my Nana would have been really happy to see her granddaughter and great-granddaughter being close and carving out time for family. Although she had dementia for most of the time that I knew her, I got to also spend some quality time with Nana Rose during her life, so I am of course going to her funeral to remember her as the vibrant person that she was and to celebrate her life. But it is also, and probably equally, important to me to go because I want to be there to support my mom and my grandma. Nana Rose is gone, and it reminds me of how important my family is at this time and that it’s always worth putting in the time and energy to strengthen those connections and to be there for the people that we love.
All this to say, let’s make a point to show our commitment to those friends and family that do support us this, and tell them this week that we’re thinking of them and here for them. In distancing yourself from one-sided friendships, you make more time for those friendships and relationships that actually do matter and that will last your lifetime.
